Sasha stood up from the table, put his plate into a sink, and went to a bedroom. I just heard how he closed the door. The emptiness was taking over our living room like a monster. The monster of emptiness, with claws dipped in a fear. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I cleaned the table from the dinner we were having, and started washing dishes…
We had a tough conversation just before he went to the room. I shared the news about the job I got, and then Sasha told me about the phone call he got earlier that day.
His mom was sick. Those headaches she had for a few months already, were symptoms of lung cancer. Her brain wasn’t getting enough oxygen from the lungs. She was diagnosed that day. The same fucking day I got a job and decided to move out of a country! She had a few options for the treatment. At that time, I was still hoping that she will live a long life and kick cancer in its ass like she was doing with any problem in her life… but no. There was no hope for her. I know that now.
I felt like a piece of shit. I wanted to stab myself in the stomach with the knife I was washing. On the other hand, I knew that I wasn’t ready for the marriage, kids, life together. I had an enormous wish to see the world and explore what’s there for me. I wanted to travel and to have a life filled with adventures. I wanted him to wish the same, to go together, to discover places and have fun. I wanted to change him, to open him. I wanted him to be somebody else.
But who else he can be? Sasha can be only ‘Sasha’. Why I wanted to change him?!
That was the moment when I finally got it that I didn’t love him enough.
I decided to accept the job, move to Dubai, and spend with him this last month we had in the best way I can.