I spent almost 4 days in my bed. Again. I wasn’t sick, at least my body wasn’t giving any signs of flu or something else, but the fight in my mind made me lazy, bored, unmotivated to go out and do something. Whatever! Anything! These depressed periods in my life were happening very often for my taste. I hated the city, the people, my work, the situation I was living in. And then I bought a ticket for Belgrade.
I have to tell you, depression started long time ago, few months after I came to Dubai. I gained 10kgs, I was fighting with almost unnatural forces to make my life in here, I met many many people, few of them became my friends, but there was always some emptiness, something missing… a hug! Pure natural, love hug! When I was thinking I finally found it, while HE was hugging me, a knife in my beck was included. It’s enough about my ex.
I’m very opened person, I make contacts easily. As it can be a big advantage it’s also a disadvantage in the meaning that I can let some people in my life without thinking. I let some losers in my life, thinking that I can save them from their misery, from their world. It was stupid of me to even think in that way! People never change unless they want to! And in the meantime I was fed up of my life, because I didn’t have something to fight for. I lost the battle of love, I was fucked up from empty relationships, with no perspective, I was stuck with my job as a freelance musician because there was also no perspective, I lost the battle with money because I didn’t save a penny in last 4 years since I moved to Dubai and because I was spending on a douchebag. I was ugly when I look myself in the mirror because I destroyed my look with 10kgs extra, I got in addiction of emotional eating because of my loneliness, so the whole thing, why I was living in this city, didn’t have any sense.
I started with therapy, to get myself together. I needed a professional help. I had some very, very dark thoughts in my head. I was thinking about the darkest things because I didn’t see how happy I was. Exactly, I didn’t see that happiness is not a state, it’s a stage. It’s a moment. It’s a process, a fight for that moment. It’s a smell of a sea, it’s a sunny weather all the time, it’s enough money and enough freedom in my pocket to buy a plane ticket and next day be in my hometown with friends and family I love the most.
Happiness is sleeping with the cat. It’s eating breakfast with your Mom and Dad. It’s playing cards with your girls, and going on a rock concert to another city. It’s a new book you got in to. It’s going to see a castle on a mountain with your best friend. It’s also jamming with someone better than you because you learn a lot. It’s 4 glasses of good wine, a smoke and amazing dinner prepared by someone who truly loves you. Happiness is when you take your 82-year-old grandma out for a tea and a concert of your friend who plays cello. It’s small things.. Almost invisible things..
I talked with my therapist about those dark thoughts. She explained me why I was feeling in that way. Of course, the relationship and break up with my ex was the crucial thing.. I was blind, in love like a teenager, let him used me for my money and connections, betrayed me, manipulated me, abused me.. She said that it was just a matter of time when I will get my first bruises. It’s not easy to stand that kind of knife in your back.. And of course that I started to question myself, what went wrong? Now I know, I just don’t appreciate myself enough.
Enough is enough.
I came back yesterday to Dubai. I had a good feeling when I landed. I made a plan of the week. I have a new DJ residence, some new students. I will start rehearsals with my bend from next week. We will make some pictures to send to the agents. I understand that I have to full fill my life with small things and enjoy as much as I can, and I know that having a band is the right thing for me. I am not euphoric, I’m not excited too much, but I’m calm, and the peace is the most important thing for me, now, in this very moment.
I just want something normal. I don’t want to have any more those anxious thoughts. I don’t want to check anyones Facebook, Insta or pictures. It’s a negative, bad energy. I don’t wanna see, I don’t wanna hear. I have fixed my life to be easy on me. And my life isn’t perfect but it is good enough.
I’m hugging myself now and I am satisfied with that.