Today’s morning lessons are canceled. I can not say that I was happy about it because I saw the message when I had my boots on. Bad luck. Anyway I decided to go out, and to break the routine.
I went to Marina, a place popular in Dubai if you want to take coffee, lunch and, of course, if you want to go to the Ladies Night with your girls. Last night I was here with the ladies. It was fun, we laughed and drank and talked about different topics. After 3 glasses of wine, the morning is harder. I’m still fighting with my own bed.
Be seen, but not heard… This line is printed on the menu of the place where I am right now. What does that mean to me? Everything! I’ve been chasing my whole life how to be seen, especially when I was a teenager. I searched the spotlight! Our modern society is defined as – if you are not popular, you are not successful.
I mentioned in a Background section, that I’ve experienced some kind of a fame. Fame quickly disappeared, but the bitter taste in my mouth wasn’t yet. Even the whole experience was not good at all. At one point you were welcomed everywhere, in the other – you are forgotten. And that’s not a good feeling.
For a long time I needed to heal my soul of poisoning called Fame. The problem was that I did not want to sing the songs offered by managers and producers. The lyrics were stupid and meaningless; there were always some topics about male-female relationships like “You cheated on me” or “You hurt me, I will cheat on you” metaphorically speaking. I have a lot of things to say about the music they presented. Music arrangements were just terrible. All cheap sounds, synthesis, simple rhythms, bum bum boom, were included. Terrible! I just wanted to sing rock music and be involved in the production. That was one of the many reasons why I quickly left the Star Academy. I was not good material for them and that’s it.
I have to explain how that whole thing called music reality is working at all. You are chosen to live in a Big Brother house, called Academy, where they prepare you every week for Gala, which is a live performance in studio. The contract you’re signing before you enter is on 30 pages where’s described in the most part of it how you’re not allowed to do anything with your career without the permit from the TV production which is promoting you and giving you the TV space during the competition. So your hands are tied and your mouth and your ears are shut.
Everything was bright and shiny, they treat you as a celebrity (in the real life you’re far away from that), your name is in the newspapers almost every day, and your face is on a TV few times a day.
Participators were collected from all the region. Everyone of us were really interesting people, charismatic personalities, but when we entered into the competition, and when it all started the real side of the whole thing, showed its teeth. We all have changed when we entered the house. Let the games begin.
I could not bear that. I was weak. I was shocked how people want to do anything just to get there, where’s the fame. First week I was confused and lost. Second week I gave up and stopped to try. My attention was low on the singing classes, they were telling me how to sing, and I did not feel like doing it. My expression was suppressed and I felt like a stranger in my own skin. I was nominated the first week, that’s how they call it when you’re about to be excluded from the competition.
Now, from this point of view, I think that I was too young to be alone in the whole thing. And my character is like that, impulsive. I’m getting things too serious. All the time I was thinking that everyone is against me, but at the end, they were chasing their dreams (my coleagues) or money (the production).
There were some psycho tests before the whole thing started. I remember a question – “What’s your biggest fear?” and my answer was – Failing. But what means failure at the end? Not being the best? Or not trying at all?
I felt like a failure in the moment I left the competition. But now, after so long time… I feel like a winner.
Let me get back to the topic. Be seen and be heard. After this amazing lesson which I’ve learned at Star Academy, I started to wish to be heard, and I stopped to wish to be seen. Exactly, I started to wish to be part of the Scene. The happiest moments of my life were when I was playing with my band. It doesn’t matter where and in front of how many people, I wanted to hear my originals with the drums and guitars. That’s how I define happiness.. I can not compare that with any News papers, TV shows, fans or anything else what’s the part of fame. Fame can blind you. It can get you to the edge and make you addicted to it.
I don’t want to do it if it’s not the right way to do it! I don’t want to perform if I’m not singing my originals! I don’t want to play if I’m not able to express the creative side of my soul! And that’s the rule I’ve made!
I don’t care if I have 3 people or 3000 people in front of me!
Someone smart said that how long you’re building it that long you will get all the fruits…
And another smart person made a song about it.