My B(a)ed

My worst enemy in a last few months is not this city which has no rock music scene, or my students who are not practicing piano enough, or even my over controlling manager who’s always up in my business… My worst enemy is my very own bed, but not in a way you would think.

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I can’t get out of my bed in my free time. I’ve binge watched all the TV shows, all the new episodes, ate all the sweets from the supermarket and made myself even more depressed then ever before, like  that was some kind of a challenge – Let’ see if we can get Ivana even more depressed.

It’s a routine, a loop which is not leaving me for days, weeks, months, and now- for years. An emptiness that is here to stay, so it seems.

So, I decided to start changing something. I don’t know where to start, though. I set up my life and everything is FINE. I live in a nice area, where I always wanted to live, I drive my convertible car, which I always wanted to drive, have my dream job which I always wanted to do. I HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT, but, for some reason, I am still whining like a spoiled brat. Like those girls with fake tits, or like a high school bimbo who didn’t get to be the prom queen.

I came here, chasing my dream to become a professional musician, a dream that was far fetched, a dream that everybody told me that was unrealistic, but it was MY dream, and I gave everything I had to make it come true. I pushed myself to the limits I didn’t even know were possible, and I succeeded, no on can take that away from me, except me, and for some reason – I am doing exactly that.  In my country that wasn’t possible so much because of the economic situation and many other reasons. And I did it. I took my dream in my hands and like a rebel I fought for it. I’ve learned whatever I needed to learn, I inspired the people around me to do the same thing, and I made my dream come true!

And since then I feel this emptiness. I guess it is true when they say that satisfaction is the end of desire, when you reach the top, you can only go down, and down is where I am headed, and I want to stop that.

Because that dream was modified, compromised and corrupted.

I wrote a song about it:

You have your life, your kids and wife.

Do your job and grocery shop.

Live your life in a positive way.

No one knows you will pay one day.

Stab in the back, be on a track.

Go back to school, live under the rule.

Do your drugs by the end of the week.

You think you’re high, but you’re so weak.

People have this nature to be always hungry, always striving for more, pushing themselves more and more. Hunger of happiness, wealth, money, power, success, status, influence.. Dull things. I’m not making myself a saint here, I’m more about to explain how I was the same. I wanted to have all of these things, and I experienced the benefits of money and success. And then I’ve paid my due by laying in my bed for months.

I asked myself all the time- WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT MORE?

I know now.. I want my energy back.

To keep my energy on it’s top is my dream. That dream which I modified is exactly that- I want to have a will and motivation in my daily life. I want to be able to get up every morning looking forward to a new day and all of its obstacles and challenges. I want to wear my smile honestly, I want for people to see my inner smile, you can not fake that, even if you wanted to.

I want to feel!

Love makes me energetic, family gives me power, rock music makes me energetic, stage makes me energetic, nature makes me even more energetic, writing makes me energetic.

I decided to put all of that to good use.

And today – I started to write…

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